Finding the Past

It’s no surprise that a conversation with my father awakened a whole new side of me; one I could no longer ignore and would be unable to shut off. As my spiritual awareness increased, the hatred I had been carrying slowly started to dissipate. I now knew that my father had been with me all along. In fact, as I write this i’m reminded that today (March 14th) is my father’s birthday. This was not planned, but also not a coincidence. When things like this start to line up, it’s a sign that we are on the right path. Synchronicities always appear at the right time, don’t they? When you’re doubting yourself or looking for a sign, you might start to see repeating numbers or themes. That’s the funny thing about the Universe; it will always answer your call, but you have to know that you should be listening. 

It’s not all fun and games though. A connection with spirit can also be overwhelming and scary. To be honest, after my initial meeting with the Medium I was a bit freaked out. She told me that my father and grandfather would be coming home with me. What did that mean? Were they always watching me? What had they seen me do? Did I have to start changing under the covers? Most of all I was worried that I had opened a portal for communication from the dead. Needless to say, I slept with two eyes open for a good while because I felt like I was being watched. 

This wasn’t new to me though. Fear has always played a big role in my life. As my anxieties started to increase, it took me some time to realize that my anxiety stemmed from a deep fear of death. Anything to do with death or health issues regarding myself or my loved ones set off alarm bells inside of me. I had my first panic attack at the age of 15. I also had a deeply rooted fear of heights and dogs. I was often chased by dogs as a child. I couldn’t understand where all of these fears came from. I was literally always afraid of something. It’s also worth mentioning that the appointment with the Medium had also revealed that I would develop an interest in reading Tarot cards, and I thought the idea was absolutely bonkers. I would never read Tarot. At the time, the thought of potentially drawing the Death card was enough to send me into a downward spiral. I’m giggling as I write this now. That, my friends, is the power of deep healing.

Now let’s get to the juicy stuff. At this point in my dating life, love triangles were a dominant theme. Let’s just say I had a knack for attracting unavailable men. I won’t get into any of the specifics because frankly they aren’t even worth it, and I bet their wives and girlfriends still don’t know the kind of men they are with, but it was definitely enough of a reoccurrence to cause me to begin to question it. I could see the appeal for some. No commitment means there is less likelihood of attachment, heartbreak and abandonment. However, this style didn’t resonate with my soul and I had started to wonder if this was some type of karmic cycle that I would never be able to break.

Speaking of karma, I’ve always been really fascinated with past lives. With my newfound spirituality in tow, I decided to pay another visit to the Medium. This time it would be for a past-life regression. If you’ve never heard of this, it’s a form of hypnosis that helps you to recover memories from past lives and aids in healing any traumas that might be creeping into your current lifetime. I was fascinated with this because it was regarded as a tool used by some psychiatrists (hello, science), but mostly because I thought my love life was cursed by something I might have done in a past life. This was something that aligned with both my logical and spiritual minds. One thing was certain, I was ready to heal.

The appointment started off with a guided meditation, but I was far from relaxed. To say I was terrified would be an understatement. I was afraid of my own shadow, how did I possibly think I would be brave enough to take this on? Part of me thought this process would really serve me, the other part thought I might get stuck in a past life. I truly didn’t know what to expect. My curiosity had definitely gotten the best of me and so had my fear. My body and soul would not allow me to regress. We had to start the process over and over again. I would not allow the hypnosis to take over. It was clear that I could not be easily influenced. Finally, I was able to surrender and felt my mind wander down a staircase which led to a long hallway with many doors. The Medium told me to choose one. In my mind’s eye, I opened the door to a desert scene. I immediately knew I was in Egypt and inhibited a man’s body. I shared the details of myself openly as if they were fact; I was 26 and wandering in the desert alone. I felt lonely. She asked me to fast forward through time and explain the scene I saw now; This time I was 35 and I was alone again. The loneliness remained. It seemed to be a governing theme in this life. We went forward once more and this time I was in a fight with another man. I was able to recognize that I was right by the pyramids. We were fighting over a woman. She was crying. All I can recall now was a giant spear headed toward me and I knew that I was dying. In this life, this love triangle was the cause of my death. My soul went into shock and didn’t want to relive this. However, the appointment wasn’t over yet. We had one more life to revisit.

This time, I was in what appeared to be Scotland. I think I was even wearing a kilt. Once again I was a man and I was alone. What was up with me always being alone? No wonder I was so good at it now. The scene took place near the edge of a cliff. I was being chased by dogs because I had stolen something. As I was running, I managed to fall off the cliff and meet my demise. Once again, I had died alone. In the scene, I experienced an out of body experience in which I saw my soul come out of my body to meet my father and Archangel Michael. In that moment, it was confirmed that I was safe, protected, and loved. In fact, I was never alone.

When the regression was complete, I came back to reality with the newfound understanding that I was alone in previous lifetimes and a startling discovery of where my fear of heights and dogs might have come from. The realization that I had been alone across lifetimes made me sad. In addition, it confirmed that love triangles were deeply rooted in at least one of my past lives. A love triangle had caused me to die? Are you kidding me? The anger from this life and that one combined was enough to make me resolve that I would never engage in anything like this again. At the same time, I was in awe that my soul was holding onto these traumas of the past. These things were so much bigger than me. Was this my life’s purpose? This was a clear sign that I had a lot of healing work to do. This was a cycle I was determined to break. Suddenly, I realized that there is a plan for us all. All I needed to do was figure out my own blueprint.