Introduction: Finding Me

My name is Elizabeth, I’m 32 years old, and I’m single. If you take a microscopic look at me there is also an undercover writer waiting to be unleashed.

In a world where everyone is making reels, you better believe that I am going to start writing again. Why? Well firstly, illiteracy is a real problem. If you actually know me intimately, you know it really grinds my gears. If I have learned anything recently, it’s that people really need to start reading. I’m Rory Gilmore mixed with Monica Geller, and a huge dash of Phoebe Buffay. Today, I am feeling a bit like Carrie Bradshaw.

I’ve always done my own thing. Moved to the beat of my own drum. Taken the road less travelled. I travel often, and I travel alone. Metaphorically, of course. We are still in the middle of a pandemic, after all. Apparently I learn best this way. I have to fall on my face and make my own mistakes. Aren’t we all like that? Experience is the best teacher. Nothing sticks with you quite like your own wounds; scar tissue. Queue the Red Hot Child Peppers. Shout-out to my siblings.

I’ve always worn my singledom like a badge of honour. This status has become so deeply woven into my identity that it comes naturally to me; like breathing. Being the token single girl has its perks though. I never have to bring a guest to a wedding, or pay for one for that matter. In fact, I barely ever get a plus one. It’s just assumed I will be there alone. You can only imagine the amount of money i’ve saved being an Italian girl. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining all that much. I like being alone. In fact, I prefer it. However, being that i’m kinda smart, a bit pretty, and a whole lot of funny, I started to wonder if the Universe was conspiring against me. If a relationship was a cocktail, I had all of the ingredients to make a hit. So why was I single? 

I started to investigate. I thought there was something I was missing. Was I pushing everyone away? No! I barely got asked out. It literally never worked out with anyone. Essentially, they disappeared. Divine intervention was definitely at play here. 

In order to solve this mystery, I did a whole lot of soul searching, and personal development. Even if I never found someone to be with, I would make sure that at least I was solid on my own. 

In this blog I will share some of the details that have led me to where I am today. From past-life regression, to healers, to mediums. I’ve done it all.

In my search for Mr. Right, I ended up finding me.

Finding God

Let me preface this by saying that these are my own personal opinions and experiences, and mine alone. If you don’t agree with me, that’s alright. Much love to you. There’s enough hate in the world right now.

My awakening had begun from a young age. I was born with an inquisitive mind and often used logic and reason to explain or define what was going on in my own life, and the world at large. In fact, if you ask my mother, she will probably confirm that my favourite childhood question was always, “how do you know?” I did not rely on blind faith. Only facts and proof pacified my busy mind. In my experience, intuition and anxiety were one in the same. It was an endless struggle to differentiate between the two. I was always worried about something. I could not entertain the possibility of a positive outcome in any situation until I first ran through every negative possibility in my mind. This was my default setting; my glass was always half empty. The other shoe was sure to drop. I was convinced I was the only person cursed with this way of thinking and wished for nothing more than to be “normal.” It would be years before I would realize that this was reality for many.

Six years ago, if you asked me what my relationship with God or my spirituality was like, my answer would have wavered between one of these two replies. Either, God who? or, I believe there might be a greater power out there but I don’t really care for religion; it’s a social construct. In reality, I only answered with point two on occasion because I thought if there really was a God and he was listening, I might get punished for not believing. I’m Italian, after all, and religion always had a seat at my family’s table. At this point in my life, what my faith or spiritual practice looked like was my own choice. The Catholic school days were behind me, and Sundays at church were replaced by Sundays at work. However, if I’m honest, a little bit of anger would being to fester deep down in my belly whenever this topic came up. Anytime someone said something about “God’s will,” a mini volcano erupted inside of me. There was a darkness that it generated and I was certain I knew exactly what it stemmed from.

By this time, I had suffered a few great losses. My father, his brother, and my grandfather. I couldn’t reconcile that the same being who was responsible for causing me a great deal of pain, should also be regarded as my saviour. How could I possibly believe there was a God that not only allowed for the suffering and destruction of the planet and its people, but had also created it? There were so many humans in the world, why did death have to come for my people?

I know what you’re thinking. Woah, heavy stuff. But it gets better, I promise. Fast forward to today where I have a thriving spiritual practice and business which whole-heartedly hinges on my faith and the faith of my clients. So how did I get from point A to point B, you ask?

It all started with a Medium.

I booked an appointment out of curiosity. Some friends had been to see her and experienced positive results. I wasn’t even sure if I believed in any of it. However, the possibility that she might be able to connect me with my father carried me forward. I had mixed emotions though. Would I be more upset if she was able to connect with him or more upset if she wasn’t ? It had been 24 years since my father died. Would she be able to access him? I didn’t know how it worked. But still, I took the leap.

Knowing what I’ve told you about myself at this stage, do you think I was going to make it easy for her? HECK NO! I’m the quintessential city girl with a pretty good resting “you know what” face. I went in with my poker face on and didn’t reveal a thing. I wouldn’t even lead on that I had departed loved ones I wanted to connect with, even though I was prepped with photos of them in the event that they were needed.

Those of you that have experienced a good Medium are probably laughing at me by now. Boy, did my ego get slapped down a few notches that day. Within the first few minutes that rough exterior that I had spent years building up came crumbling down. In an instant, my faith was restored and the burden of hatred against God had been purged off of my chest. It was cathartic. This moment would be the catalyst upon which my future spirituality would be built. My father was there, and he had been waiting for me to come.

Finding the Past

It’s no surprise that a conversation with my father awakened a whole new side of me; one I could no longer ignore and would be unable to shut off. As my spiritual awareness increased, the hatred I had been carrying slowly started to dissipate. I now knew that my father had been with me all along. In fact, as I write this i’m reminded that today (March 14th) is my father’s birthday. This was not planned, but also not a coincidence. When things like this start to line up, it’s a sign that we are on the right path. Synchronicities always appear at the right time, don’t they? When you’re doubting yourself or looking for a sign, you might start to see repeating numbers or themes. That’s the funny thing about the Universe; it will always answer your call, but you have to know that you should be listening. 

It’s not all fun and games though. A connection with spirit can also be overwhelming and scary. To be honest, after my initial meeting with the Medium I was a bit freaked out. She told me that my father and grandfather would be coming home with me. What did that mean? Were they always watching me? What had they seen me do? Did I have to start changing under the covers? Most of all I was worried that I had opened a portal for communication from the dead. Needless to say, I slept with two eyes open for a good while because I felt like I was being watched. 

This wasn’t new to me though. Fear has always played a big role in my life. As my anxieties started to increase, it took me some time to realize that my anxiety stemmed from a deep fear of death. Anything to do with death or health issues regarding myself or my loved ones set off alarm bells inside of me. I had my first panic attack at the age of 15. I also had a deeply rooted fear of heights and dogs. I was often chased by dogs as a child. I couldn’t understand where all of these fears came from. I was literally always afraid of something. It’s also worth mentioning that the appointment with the Medium had also revealed that I would develop an interest in reading Tarot cards, and I thought the idea was absolutely bonkers. I would never read Tarot. At the time, the thought of potentially drawing the Death card was enough to send me into a downward spiral. I’m giggling as I write this now. That, my friends, is the power of deep healing.

Now let’s get to the juicy stuff. At this point in my dating life, love triangles were a dominant theme. Let’s just say I had a knack for attracting unavailable men. I won’t get into any of the specifics because frankly they aren’t even worth it, and I bet their wives and girlfriends still don’t know the kind of men they are with, but it was definitely enough of a reoccurrence to cause me to begin to question it. I could see the appeal for some. No commitment means there is less likelihood of attachment, heartbreak and abandonment. However, this style didn’t resonate with my soul and I had started to wonder if this was some type of karmic cycle that I would never be able to break.

Speaking of karma, I’ve always been really fascinated with past lives. With my newfound spirituality in tow, I decided to pay another visit to the Medium. This time it would be for a past-life regression. If you’ve never heard of this, it’s a form of hypnosis that helps you to recover memories from past lives and aids in healing any traumas that might be creeping into your current lifetime. I was fascinated with this because it was regarded as a tool used by some psychiatrists (hello, science), but mostly because I thought my love life was cursed by something I might have done in a past life. This was something that aligned with both my logical and spiritual minds. One thing was certain, I was ready to heal.

The appointment started off with a guided meditation, but I was far from relaxed. To say I was terrified would be an understatement. I was afraid of my own shadow, how did I possibly think I would be brave enough to take this on? Part of me thought this process would really serve me, the other part thought I might get stuck in a past life. I truly didn’t know what to expect. My curiosity had definitely gotten the best of me and so had my fear. My body and soul would not allow me to regress. We had to start the process over and over again. I would not allow the hypnosis to take over. It was clear that I could not be easily influenced. Finally, I was able to surrender and felt my mind wander down a staircase which led to a long hallway with many doors. The Medium told me to choose one. In my mind’s eye, I opened the door to a desert scene. I immediately knew I was in Egypt and inhibited a man’s body. I shared the details of myself openly as if they were fact; I was 26 and wandering in the desert alone. I felt lonely. She asked me to fast forward through time and explain the scene I saw now; This time I was 35 and I was alone again. The loneliness remained. It seemed to be a governing theme in this life. We went forward once more and this time I was in a fight with another man. I was able to recognize that I was right by the pyramids. We were fighting over a woman. She was crying. All I can recall now was a giant spear headed toward me and I knew that I was dying. In this life, this love triangle was the cause of my death. My soul went into shock and didn’t want to relive this. However, the appointment wasn’t over yet. We had one more life to revisit.

This time, I was in what appeared to be Scotland. I think I was even wearing a kilt. Once again I was a man and I was alone. What was up with me always being alone? No wonder I was so good at it now. The scene took place near the edge of a cliff. I was being chased by dogs because I had stolen something. As I was running, I managed to fall off the cliff and meet my demise. Once again, I had died alone. In the scene, I experienced an out of body experience in which I saw my soul come out of my body to meet my father and Archangel Michael. In that moment, it was confirmed that I was safe, protected, and loved. In fact, I was never alone.

When the regression was complete, I came back to reality with the newfound understanding that I was alone in previous lifetimes and a startling discovery of where my fear of heights and dogs might have come from. The realization that I had been alone across lifetimes made me sad. In addition, it confirmed that love triangles were deeply rooted in at least one of my past lives. A love triangle had caused me to die? Are you kidding me? The anger from this life and that one combined was enough to make me resolve that I would never engage in anything like this again. At the same time, I was in awe that my soul was holding onto these traumas of the past. These things were so much bigger than me. Was this my life’s purpose? This was a clear sign that I had a lot of healing work to do. This was a cycle I was determined to break. Suddenly, I realized that there is a plan for us all. All I needed to do was figure out my own blueprint.

Finding My Blueprint

This blog post is dedicated to Tanya Manzon and Sachiyo Ichimura, two of my greatest mentors, and forever friends. These women helped illuminate my path and helped me to realize that what I had been searching for was staring at me in the mirror all along.

After my experience with past-life regression, I took a break from all things spiritual. Suddenly, I started to have panic attacks every other day and my anxiety was at an all time high. It wasn’t something I was used to, and I blamed it on the fact that I had opened a portal that I might never be able to shut. I had forced myself to face parts of myself that perhaps I wasn’t yet ready to heal. In hindsight, I just needed to purge the things that were weighing me down so that I could level up. Spirituality isn’t linear. It’s not always meditation and card pulls. You can take breaks! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t. Life is a journey, and we won’t always be perfect. We’re all just trying to figure it out. It took me a while to get back into it, but eventually I couldn’t ignore the call any longer. There were some things only spirituality could answer.

I’ve always had this feeling that there was somewhere I had to journey toward, but the path had never been clear. As a result, I was paused, suspended in time, waiting for something, or yet, someone.

Now that I had become a believer in all things spiritual, I took the time to reevaluate my life through a different lens. One thing that came to mind was a reoccurring dream that had been making an appearance since I was young. In this dream, there was a man, but I could never see his face. On a soul level I started to realize that this faceless man in my dreams was literally the man of my dreams. All I had to do was find him. The one problem was that I knew nothing about him.

This is where things got interesting. From there on out, anytime I had a decent connection with a new man, I wondered if it was the man from my dreams. In order to figure this out, I did what any kinda witchy girl would do; I turned to my tarot cards. If I had questions, I asked the cards. If I had doubts, I asked the cards. The tricky thing about tarot cards is that it is extremely difficult to read for yourself. What I hadn’t factored in was that the cards weren’t meant to help me. They would lead me to help others, which in this moment was of no help to me - I was too focused on finding my dream man. When I realized I couldn’t read for myself, I turned to the experts. It was around this time that I would also discover Reiki. I thought if I could unblock my heart chakra, I would find who I was looking for.

Within the span of a few months, or less, I would meet two Reiki Masters that would help me unlock the parts of myself that had been hidden. This would change the trajectory of my whole life. Change isn’t even the right word; it was a transformation. To be honest, I’m not sure my words could ever do them justice.

I met Sach because my sister won a session with her. In that session, she told my sister that I needed to go see her. How could I say no? She had picked up on my energy, and I wasn’t even there. Something told me to run. I’m pretty sure I took her next available appointment.

I connected to Tanya through Instagram. Something about her energy just drew me in. She also specialized in working with empaths. A word that I had just recently realized really defined me. I poked around her profile for a few months before taking the plunge and booking with her. At this point, I had a better understanding of my soul, and where it was nudging me to go.

What I learned from these two women was what I know to be the truest of truths; I am a healer. There was a reason everyone turned to me for advice, and there were ways I could help them without draining all of my own energy. Tanya and Sach would, and still do, help me to navigate and find the right balance in all of it. The greatest gift I received was the realization that all of the actions I was taking in the hopes of finding my dream man, were actually leading me back home to myself. This was what my soul had been yearning to find - my calling and purpose. These two powerful women helped me to find my own inner power and I now held the key and the map that I had been desperately searching for. This was my journey and I was all in. It was at this time that I met the greatest love of my life; it was me.

Today, I can say with certainty that the man of my dreams is out there somewhere, but I don’t have to go looking for him. I can attract him.

Finding My Inner Power

I’ve probably written and deleted this post at least five times or more. There was a small part of me that thought that if I started writing this blog, perhaps the love of my life would appear. That hasn’t happened yet, but I feel closer than ever. (Hello, Sir, if you are reading this). HA! Imagine?

More importantly, in trying to describe how I found my inner power, I realized that I felt like a phony for claiming that I have it all figured out. The truth is, I don’t, and today I am declaring that it’s okay that I don’t. Being imperfect doesn’t mean you can’t start something. It just means it may come out more raw, and authentic.

In training to be a Reiki Master the most crucial thing I was taught was that the word ‘Master’ refers to mastery over the self. It signifies the ability to control one’s emotions, judgments, anything human really. To set it all aside in the service of others. This is why I had a hard time writing this one. How could I, (hot mess supreme at the moment), claim to have it all figured out? Let’s be real, I certainly don’t have that mastered at all times. I’m learning as I go and I’m giving myself permission to not have it all figured out. The most significant lesson I have learned is that by opening myself up to heal others, I am also learning how to heal myself. I promise, you will never gain a better understanding of yourself as you will through connection and taking an active role as the listener. Mastery allows you to listen without your own filter.

Honestly, my real awakening began when I stepped into my role as a healer. Allowing myself to be a channel for the energy, feelings, and experiences of other people, has allowed me to in turn experience life from another vantage point. To learn how to connect with souls and meet them wherever they are at in their healing journey has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. This is where the magic happens. I find that when I am in service, I am able to cast aside all judgment, preconceived ideas, prejudices, and even my own fears. This is where I have found true mastery. It’s in doing this for myself that I am met with resistance. Shocker, right?

I know what you’re thinking. Cool, easy for you to say. Guess what? You don’t have to be a Reiki Master to find your own inner power. Today, I want to share with you the one basic tool that anyone can use to harness their own; the Reiki Principles. These principles will help you to be more present, and provide you with a blank slate. What could you accomplish if it was just for today? Which internal struggles and battles could you conquer? If we break things down into smaller pieces we can overcome huge obstacles. What would the world look like with less worry and anger, and more gratitude, integrity, and kindness? What would you look like?

Reiki Principles:

Just for Today…

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will give thanks for my many blessings.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbour and all living things.